Sometimes, however, I find myself snapping back into a sudden state of regress.
The wall I'm scrupulately trying to tear down I suddenly put back up again. I isolate myself and start looking inwards. To those who try reaching out to me in this state, nothing is shown, no answer is given. They meet nothing but cold stone.
I've felt this twice so far.
It's an odd state. It's a warped form of enlightenment. My eyes are wide open, but what I see and what I hear doesn't reach my core. Nothing can really reach me. All that remains is a stampede of poisonous thoughts.
In one of the cases, this state was reached completely at random, without any emotionally logical stimulus, but in the other, it was a generic reason I won't talk about.
It's a destructive reaction . It's not easy to return from. It's not easy to explain to others.
In a recent, third case, I somehow fell very close to that state, but then took control of it and turned it into... something else. My eyes were wide open again. It felt as if I was looking out of a window, carefully steering my body. I half-consciously pitched my voice much lower like in every case, but I did not withdraw into myself completely. Rather than isolating my mind from my body, I drew them closer.
I did not say hateful things to those I care about this time. I did not run away into myself.
None of these states are truly me. One of them is a repressed echo of what I could have become by this time if I didn't meet the Blacks. One of them is something else altogether, even though similar.
I still haven't found out who I am exactly.
The absurdist, cheerful and snarky Wikt known to my friends.
The deadpan, cold-warm, insane Zark in WoW.
The pseudointellectual smartass writing this down.
The antisocial cynic in the chasm.
Maybe they're just all facets of me. Maybe they're different aspects of a whole.
That's all for today's fauxlosophy.
I wouldn't get too wound up by the whole thing, if it is getting to you at all. I'm a fine one to talk, having gone through a fair amount of shit that completely turned me off to everyone, to the point where I absolutely wouldn't speak or really even have compassion for anyone at all. Sounds a bit extreme, but such are the depths of depression, somewhat different to what you're describing but not entirely. To that end, I didn't see the need to connect with anyone and was quite 'happy' (I obviously wasn't) being with just myself for company.
ReplyDeleteI remember reading a previous post about having a chance to get closer to a girl and letting it slip past, it's a similar thing. Just don't beat yourself up about it. You start to realise that you do need people, but as you probably already know you only need people who give a shit and aren't completely false, backstabbing arseholes. That's where Jamie came in for me, and it sounds a bit cheesy but she's really all I feel I need to get past anything. Learning to connect and getting past our self-imposed barriers and self-defence mechanisms is all part of life, and it's really no rush to get there. Opening up is good, as is closing down, it's just a matter of being able to throttle the negativity when it counts. I hope this made some amount of sense, I'm sleep deprived.