Usually, once summer vacation was 3/4 done, I was already dreaming of returning to school. This anticipation had steadily dropped over the years and has become completely negative this year.
School has become a bleak place.
I feel strongly isolated and distanced from the people in my school. I have not found my way into any of the cliques in my class. If I disappeared, they'd probably just check if I'm still around like once or twice, then forget.
I am simply not a part of school, of my class, not a part of these little worlds - I don't fit into the puzzle.
I always felt about them as a mass, a sea of mediocrity, with very few thoughtful and interesting individuals inbetween. The portion of mass in my school is at least a decent sample, not rock bottom, a bit closer to the top, but mediocre and bland nonetheless, close to opening their eyes, but still too far away.
Now that I have come to know the Blacks and grow close to them - by contrast, the incredible bleakness of the mass has never been more obvious.
I don't feel higher and superior.
It is not easy to have your eyes open and see the swamp you're sinking into.
It's much easier to sink blindly, to accept the swamp and drown.
It's difficult as a sensitive person to live in a world of banal thoughts and simple emotions.
I don't feel like going back there. I don't feel ready to face education again.
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