Tuesday, September 29, 2009

causes

A really short one.

Why should I exactly be aware of your cause?
Whether it's animals getting tortured, Islam spreading across Europe or whatever else some fanatics are banging on about...

What does my awareness help the cause with?

I can't help those causes much. I'm an omnivorous human. I am designed for eating meat. I'll eat whatever I can find and enjoy. Even if I choose not to support such things, they won't stop. As long as humans exist, so too will evil deeds of egoism. I can choose not to do such things myself.
Egoism is stubborn. You can't stump it out.

By the way, bleating on about it will only take you so far. Actions, not words.

As for Islam... Well, yeah, even if it's true they're flowing in: So? I am not in a position where I can stop this at all. A mere stick against a flood.

Monday, September 28, 2009

kymatica

Something that once helped me out with my world view and still remains as a solid truth.


Kymatica.

It's an hour and half long or so, but if you can spare the time, it should be an interesting movie.

It's a sort of documentary that compiles various views on the truth of the universe, life, spirituality and society.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

parabola

The Near-Death Experience site I've posted contains a great amount of NDE relations. The positive ones where the soul comes in touch with the Light we call God have somehow slightly affected my feelings and thoughts. They have definitely helped me update and flesh out my personal view on this world.

Ah, my view on the world... Something I meant to share for a while.
This is something I've arrived at myself, but in no way is it completely original or indeed original at all... It's a compilation from world views that I found myself in agreement with based on my personal observations and thoughts.

I believe there is a greater being. A God, if you will. I personally like the term "Creator", as that's what it truly is.
The Creator is the primary reason for things existing. It is the laws of physics and chemistry that bind energy into a form we call matter. Without it, all we would have is a condensed, swarming mass of energy, unable to take form and become stars, galaxies or asteroids. Through the Creator's will and creative force, this universe is what it is.

Now, life...
Haven't you ever noticed how complex living beings are? As a student in a biology/chemistry profiled class, I looked at the core of those intricate, complex processes responsible for the life of a cell, an organ and a whole organism. We are carefully constructed machines, designed with all the tools required to sustain and reproduce ourselves, engineered for evolution, development and variety.

Surely, this can't be the work of pure coincidence. Coincidence alone does not possess the intricate knowledge of physics and chemistry required to construct such complex organisms. What's the best part of it? We're all constructed according to a blueprint - the DNA code. It's a complex knit of what is essentially CODE. Programming code that contains all the essential information and tools necessary to control and compile itself into a functional "program" - a complete organism.

This all couldn't have been arrived at without a creative force behind it, guiding and shaping the process of evolution. Thus, as I believe, the phenomenon of nature and life as a whole is another project of the Creator, of the Word, through which the information develops itself, discovers itself and its true nature and fulfills itself.

This works at every level. The Creator has succesfully constructed an environment where life has ideal conditions to occur, then carefully engineered a powerful, whole organism - the planet Earth and its life. Everything in the world is one, bound together via the ecosystem.

The question of why have we, humans, become so intelligent, can probably be answered through this as well. We are the perfect evolution of information, capable of developing abstract thought and exploring the Information that governs the shape of this world. Through us, the Creator discovers itself.

The fact that we have such a vivid mind and are capable of believing in abstracts and creating something is what I call imagination. Thanks to imagination we can also create worlds, however imaginary and abstract from reality. Those worlds can achieve a high degree of complexity and intricacy, a reality within our own heads... Imagination is truly a powerful thing, something greater and not fully inherent to our bodies. You could also call it a soul - another device to explore creation which allows us to be far more than mere automatons.

Animals also have souls. Those souls are at a varying degree of self-awareness. A snail does not possess much of an imagination, as far as we know at least. There are however animals such as dolphins, humanoid primates or pets that have some degree of imagination that allows them to learn and make vaguely abstract decisions.

Why then are we so blind, why then do we have faults, why do we die?
It's necessary. It's impossible to compile a perfect machine. Our own machines of metal and electricity are also imperfect and full of faults. I do not believe the Creator is omnipotent and perfect. Nothing is perfect and the Creator can be no exception.
Thorough the process of self-discovery and experimentation, we will certainly make mistakes and learn from them. Trial and error is necessary to learn.
We cannot be open too wide to the Creator. We are not yet in a state where we are fully capable of it. Those who seek something greater are often unable to fully function on a normal, mundane level and will always be detached to some degree from the arbitrary construct called "society".

As to the prevalent observation from NDEs that we are all one... Since the Creator is the inherent reason for everything being the way it is, I suppose that would validate this theory. Our souls are individual, but we can connect with other souls at some level, peering through the walls which separate us, communicating via words and emotions. Aren't our bodies the same? Each cell is an individual existence, but combined with all the other cells it forms a single entity which has an individuality of its own. Cells also communicate with each other and cooperate in order to run our bodies.

There is also an interesting explanation I found for hate, negativity, wars and such: a malfunction of information, a failure of communication. Doesn't this happen in our bodies, as well? We call it cancer. When a cell becomes malignant and malformed, erratically replicating outside of the boundaries specified by our DNA, eventually shattering the unity of the organism and killing it as a result.

The most important thing that brings us close to Creation and each other is, in my opinion, creativity - we should not work to destroy, but we should seek to create something positive in our lives. "Something" can be very broad. It doesn't have to be art, though that works as well. If you've sent some positive thoughts to someone, you have created something: a positive feeling in that someone, which strengthened the bond between you and them. This also counts.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

ghost key

http://www.near-death.com/evidence.html

A decent amount of proof that there is something greater beyond our world, beyond the seemingly final boundary of death.

I have never been skeptic...

In spite of that, I have not a single experience with anything supernatural. This is something I regret.

It's a comforting thought, though. That I will continue to exist in some form after death. That I will find something greater, perhaps answers, perhaps some kind of greater truth. That I will eventually meet everyone beyond the veil.

I do not yearn to see this place at any cost, however. I will in my due time, but I am not in a hurry.

Monday, September 21, 2009

the grudge: conclusion

I probably take some things way too seriously. I'd say it's part of my personality. Mundane things can easily become quite fantastic and give birth to a plethora of interesting emotions and thoughts...

In any case, during the camping trip, the grudge slowly faded out. By the time of farewell, we no longer ignored each other.

It all started somewhat like this...

On our path to the camping spot there was a tiny river we had to cross. An incredibly cold and pleasant stream, followed by an overgrowth full of nettles... Our group somehow clumsily waded through it all. Once we were on the other side, my once-friend asked around for a pack of tissues.

So I tossed her one.

Thing is, we haven't exchanged a word since this morning.

That little motion, I believe, was the first hole in the foundation of the wall that eventually came down.
To this day I'm not sure what pushed me to do that, to react and to bring down the wall. It seemed like a good idea at the time - well, it was - but I did not plan for it. I had a vague expectation that this could happen if anything, but I didn't actively seek it... Intuition, I guess.

This couldn't have lasted, though. The dissent would have been far too destructive to remain in this state.
I've probably ended up learning something from it. The air should be completely clear in due time. Maybe things will come back to how they used to be. Maybe they won't.

At least now all those memories in my head are still valid and still alive, rescued from a bitter death. And, for once after a long and tiresome streak of negativity and pessimism, I finally saw the light again. I came back feeling absolutely great. It was a long time since I felt so much life and positive energy.

I hope it stays that way.

Friday, September 18, 2009

the grudge

This will probably be another ambiguous post, but what I'm focusing on here are raw thoughts and feelings.

How does it feel to lose a friend?

A friend who once claimed I'm on top of her list, too.
But for some time, poison started to seep between us.
Words like knives. A slow and dawning realization that everything in her irritated me and brought me rage and hate to compensate with interest for the positive feelings.

The poison has finally taken hold.

A party last weekend. The arguments that finally broke the last straw.
This weekend, the Ro Kuro are going camping into the woods.
I was at first promised a spot in the same tent as her and our friend.
And after the weekend party, I was cast away. Apparently, the possibility of a conflict was far too great...

Look at what that decision brought.
We spoke. I saw the true reasons. I saw the venomous rash on the bond. I sought redemption - I thought I was forgiven, too.
Apparently not.

Only then did I realize how much of a grudge there already was. How this has freed me rather than brought me down. Freed me from the negativity.
I'm feeling better now.

You've brought this upon yourself. This is what you get.
I have not locked the door. I have not closed the windows. The path is not yet overgrown.
Yet those memories are slowly fading.

I hope you are not arrogant enough to think I will come back crawling and seeking further forgiveness though. I am beyond this. I am not going to rebuild this by myself. You shattered the bond - you pick up the pieces.

I hope you realize what you have done, though. Do you see it too? The blood from the bond, spilling out where people are already noticing it. This cannot last forever.

I will wait and see how this ends - for it has only begun.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

reflection

It's been a difficult time for me.

For a long time, I have been growing less and less stable. I had my peaks, I had my lows, but recently, in an incredibly stressful time, I have almost completely forgotten myself.

I slipped into egoism. I justified my pessimism, I allowed it to drive me. It reached a critical point.
Only when someone took notice and showed me my own fall, did I wake up. Only then, with a sharp pang, I remembered who I am and what do I mean to others. I remembered that I should not allow all of my negative emotions out to parade, to control me and drive me.

Being sensitive is not easy. There were times, like I mentioned before, when all I wished for is to shut my brain off, to become normal, mediocre. That is impossible. A simple person with simpler emotions and feelings can easily aspire to lesser things and find their happiness, but my happiness is different and therefore much further away.

And now, I've experienced another cathartic epiphany.
I still couldn't control two things: rage and hate. I stopped controlling what I said, unknowingly hurting those that are closest to me, driving them away from me. Only when I pushed this to the limit, I was shown my errors once again.

I know it's all somewhat vague, but I feel that the details in this case are not necessary and would sound even worse.

I sought and found forgiveness. I can only continue the journey, I can only keep trying to find out who I am and reconstructing myself, looking for the person I was beneath my madness. I can only seek to heal myself.

The post title is twice as meaningful as usual - a song by Tool that helped me with this reflection.

Monday, September 7, 2009

keep talking

Trivial matters surround me.
People wish to talk to me about things completely mundane, meaningless movements in life that hardly even matter to anyone but themselves.

I've always had a problem with small talk.

I find it incredibly difficult to bang on about trivial matters. I always have the same feeling in the back of my head as when I listen to them - that nobody really wants to hear about my exciting body clock trials and tribulations or the dinner I had in Ikea with my mom yesterday. Of course I can talk about trivial things, I can even blog about them if I really have nothing better to say. But I try to avoid that.

Therefore, I highly value people I can actually hold a meaningful or entertaining discussion with. I don't really demand top notch philosophy - we can be throwing dick jokes around and as long as I'm entertained, that's alright. Insightful discussions are definitely a favorite, though, and really not easy to come across.
Discussions about important topics always receive my full interest and intellectual engagement if it's a topic I am interested in (I usually just stare and listen if it's politics, I am far too uncultured for that).

Still, small talk is an unfortunate but fundamental element of social interaction...
So I can do little more than avoid it or just give it a go and try to bore the other person to death with my life.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

ghost in the machinery

Thorough the beginning of my last liceum year, a very important question resurfaced quietly, a question I will possibly never find an answer for.

Where am I going in life? Where will I go from here?

I never planned my future for myself and I still don't plan any future further away than a month ahead or so. I have always taken life on as it came, doing my best to survive through everything it throws at me.

The school I am currently in was also chosen not by a clear desire, but because of how things worked out. I aimed for three random schools with mat-inf profiles, unwittingly choosing one that's REALLY far away, but I failed to get in any of them, being a few points short for each. My mother somehow managed to find a spot in one of those schools, however, in a bio-chem profiled class. Not something I was aiming for at all...

It turned out to be a mixed blessing. The class, like I already mentioned before, didn't get along very well with me. However, our set of teachers is fairly forgiving when I compare that to stories I hear of teachers grinding the shit out of their students by piling mountains of work on them - so I'm lucky in this aspect.
It's always good to have a class like Geography where I can doze off, then cheat on a test and get a passing grade so I can pay no more attention to a subject that I don't give half a shit about...

And now, matura is coming around... I will have to declare the subjects I'll undertake soon. I've basically taken the basic set and expanded English (obviously) and Maths (still not sure on that).

Of course, I still don't have any idea how will things turn out after the liceum - what college will I go to, what will I study, what will I do for a living... I am not worried though - somehow, I feel things will work out one way or another.

So I drift from day to day, carried by the winds of change, wading through a sea of bleak banality like a ghost in the machinery, seeking something above the sea, seeking for experiences, feelings and thoughts that go beyond the bleakness to discover something different, something greater beyond the horizon.

p.s. A note completely unrelated to the subject...
I've returned from another nightly movie marathon with the Kuro.
I feel sick and tired of feeling and thinking. I feel confused to a point where my subconscious is beating at the windows of my consciousness, giving me hints and I can't just embrace them. I can't embrace any path. I can't embrace reason nor madness.
I just want to stop for a while, sit down, stop thinking and dissolve until I'm ready again.

This doesn't mean the marathon was not enjoyable - it was - it just left me with the usual low after the high and a baggage of thoughts that overload me.
p.p.s. Isis is playing in Warsaw on November 10. Oh god yes.