ghost in the machinery

Thorough the beginning of my last liceum year, a very important question resurfaced quietly, a question I will possibly never find an answer for.

Where am I going in life? Where will I go from here?

I never planned my future for myself and I still don't plan any future further away than a month ahead or so. I have always taken life on as it came, doing my best to survive through everything it throws at me.

The school I am currently in was also chosen not by a clear desire, but because of how things worked out. I aimed for three random schools with mat-inf profiles, unwittingly choosing one that's REALLY far away, but I failed to get in any of them, being a few points short for each. My mother somehow managed to find a spot in one of those schools, however, in a bio-chem profiled class. Not something I was aiming for at all...

It turned out to be a mixed blessing. The class, like I already mentioned before, didn't get along very well with me. However, our set of teachers is fairly forgiving when I compare that to stories I hear of teachers grinding the shit out of their students by piling mountains of work on them - so I'm lucky in this aspect.

It's always good to have a class like Geography where I can doze off, then cheat on a test and get a passing grade so I can pay no more attention to a subject that I don't give half a shit about...

And now, matura is coming around... I will have to declare the subjects I'll undertake soon. I've basically taken the basic set and expanded English (obviously) and Maths (still not sure on that).

Of course, I still don't have any idea how will things turn out after the liceum - what college will I go to, what will I study, what will I do for a living... I am not worried though - somehow, I feel things will work out one way or another.

So I drift from day to day, carried by the winds of change, wading through a sea of bleak banality like a ghost in the machinery, seeking something above the sea, seeking for experiences, feelings and thoughts that go beyond the bleakness to discover something different, something greater beyond the horizon.

p.s. A note completely unrelated to the subject...

I've returned from another nightly movie marathon with the Kuro.

I feel sick and tired of feeling and thinking. I feel confused to a point where my subconscious is beating at the windows of my consciousness, giving me hints and I can't just embrace them. I can't embrace any path. I can't embrace reason nor madness.

I just want to stop for a while, sit down, stop thinking and dissolve until I'm ready again.

This doesn't mean the marathon was not enjoyable - it was - it just left me with the usual low after the high and a baggage of thoughts that overload me.

p.p.s. Isis is playing in Warsaw on November 10. Oh god yes.