reflection

It's been a difficult time for me.

For a long time, I have been growing less and less stable. I had my peaks, I had my lows, but recently, in an incredibly stressful time, I have almost completely forgotten myself.

I slipped into egoism. I justified my pessimism, I allowed it to drive me. It reached a critical point.
Only when someone took notice and showed me my own fall, did I wake up. Only then, with a sharp pang, I remembered who I am and what do I mean to others. I remembered that I should not allow all of my negative emotions out to parade, to control me and drive me.

Being sensitive is not easy. There were times, like I mentioned before, when all I wished for is to shut my brain off, to become normal, mediocre. That is impossible. A simple person with simpler emotions and feelings can easily aspire to lesser things and find their happiness, but my happiness is different and therefore much further away.

And now, I've experienced another cathartic epiphany.
I still couldn't control two things: rage and hate. I stopped controlling what I said, unknowingly hurting those that are closest to me, driving them away from me. Only when I pushed this to the limit, I was shown my errors once again.

I know it's all somewhat vague, but I feel that the details in this case are not necessary and would sound even worse.

I sought and found forgiveness. I can only continue the journey, I can only keep trying to find out who I am and reconstructing myself, looking for the person I was beneath my madness. I can only seek to heal myself.

The post title is twice as meaningful as usual - a song by Tool that helped me with this reflection.