way through woven branches

The summer vacations are mercilessly coming to an end - I figured it's time for a retrospective of sorts.

So, on the good side...
As a result of searching for new experiences and new outlets of creativity and emotion, I have started this blog and kept it alive for a fairly decent length of time. I've neglected it a little recently - there's not much to write about and frankly this is also a result of my shitty attention span...
I also took up the guitar and began learning the basics. Of course playing turned out to be a difficult matter and of course I am great lengths away from being able to entertain people with my music, though my parents enjoy even the simple ditties and awkward noises of a beginner guitarist trying to master his instrument.
Just wait 'till I get a proper amp with distortion and overdrive...

On the bad side...
There were two things I had as goals for this summer vacation.
One was to visit the sea. Unfortunately, this never came to pass. The situation somehow didn't allow it - I'm not really sure why, something about cars and money...
The other was to find a part-time job. That in itself is a failure and I feel I haven't even put proper effort in doing that...


A new school year is approaching.
In many ways, it feels like an update, the next patch to my life.
The number next to my class' letter has increased by one - from Class 2-B to 3-B.
The Black split (this is really awkward, so I'll call them Kuro from now on. Japanese for "black") will be applied to Aikido training sessions from now on. The new schedule includes what I call a Black Friday.
The younger group, Kuro, trains before the older group, Rokuro (the "ro" is another symbol separate from "kuro" and means "burden") on the same evening - and after both sessions, plenty of time is left for social stuff.

Like I wrote before, I still don't feel quite prepared - somewhat resigned if anything, but also encouraged by the Black Friday's presence and by the prospect of a bonfire party tomorrow to bid this summer farewell, as well as the upcoming movie marathon, which is also a tradition among the Kuro.

Apart from that, a job opportunity has appeared - a little part-time job, surprisingly enough - for the dojo in Mokotów, a sort of central dojo of our club. Apparently, I'll be doing some detailed cleaning duties. Even my first job is tied to Aikido in a way. It's amazing how Aikido has shaped and keeps shaping my path forward.

I can't promise anything, but I'll write again as soon as I can hold on tight to an insightful thought for longer than a minute... For now, enjoy this helping of trivial life matters as I struggle to find something less banal.

estimate the cataclysm

Okay... so this is a World of Warcraft post, pure and simple. If you don't know about World of Warcraft, you WILL get severely confused by what follows here... If you're a WoW player or even nerd like me, read on.

So, yeah...

The new expansion has been announced.

For a while, I've been reading the speculation and rumours, surrounded by a dangerous amount of leaks and proof... and resolutely going "No, no, no. No fucking way Blizzard is going to pull off all of this shit." It all sounded far out, completely crazy. I really just expected a few new zones, a new level cap, the usual deal - but not something that encompasses, well, essentially 80% of the game.

And it was all true.

I was honestly and truly surprised.

It's a thought that occured to me once or twice during Outland and Northrend...

Those zones are really well done, especially Northrend with phasing and a thread of an all-encompassing story thorough everything, which got especially good in the latter expansion.

But none of that pertains to Azeroth. It's a tangled mess of quests, confusing and poorly itemized, remainders of a fledgling design that pales in comparison to the newer zones.

Azeroth could use a remake, I thought.

And a remake it gets... What a remake, too! Not just going over quests and items, oh no. A whole, enormous, all-encompassing cataclysm that impacts on almost everything. The story continues to evolve, struggling against technical limitations of the MMO status quo and toppling them to deliver more plot to spice up the gameplay.

Some of these revelations still reek to me slightly of simplification, like guild skills or talent changes... but overall, I'm highly impressed by the announcement and how much of the rumours were confirmed.

I will be impatiently waiting until Azeroth is shattered and frantically looking for metal that can serve as a decent background for the Cataclysm. So far, I've only found this and this...

all out of time

The summer is closing in on a rather eventful end and the threat of school looms over me, with its final year, the matura and the community therein...

Usually, once summer vacation was 3/4 done, I was already dreaming of returning to school. This anticipation had steadily dropped over the years and has become completely negative this year.

School has become a bleak place.

I feel strongly isolated and distanced from the people in my school. I have not found my way into any of the cliques in my class. If I disappeared, they'd probably just check if I'm still around like once or twice, then forget.

I am simply not a part of school, of my class, not a part of these little worlds - I don't fit into the puzzle.

I always felt about them as a mass, a sea of mediocrity, with very few thoughtful and interesting individuals inbetween. The portion of mass in my school is at least a decent sample, not rock bottom, a bit closer to the top, but mediocre and bland nonetheless, close to opening their eyes, but still too far away.

Now that I have come to know the Blacks and grow close to them - by contrast, the incredible bleakness of the mass has never been more obvious.

I don't feel higher and superior.

It is not easy to have your eyes open and see the swamp you're sinking into.

It's much easier to sink blindly, to accept the swamp and drown.

It's difficult as a sensitive person to live in a world of banal thoughts and simple emotions.

I don't feel like going back there. I don't feel ready to face education again.

think for yourself

The long-awaited date has come.

15.08 has passed.

Everyone is returning to Warsaw.

Soon enough we'll be meeting again on weekends, there's a birthday party scheduled for 22th of August...

I will be lifted out of my stagnation into the sun.

Meanwhile, I've been playing WoW and watch a lot of stand-up comedian sketches.

My two favourite comedians...

George Carlin.

His style has two sides. He sees through the rot in our civilization very clearly, but on the other hand, he knows a lot about those things in life that we share, like when you think there's one more step while walking down the stairs or when you think all Thursday that it's actually Wednesday (both have occured to me).

Ways to Keep People Alert
American Double Standard

And... Bill Hicks.

He's far more cutting than George Carlin. His favourite topics (with some overlap with Carlin) are religion, civilization and the inherent corruption in both, the truth about America and the truth about drugs and his own philosophy of life.

Positive Drug Story
Play From Your Fucking Heart

I really enjoy stand-up comedy for some reason. Mostly when under that "comedy" cover there's a cutting, thoughtful world view coming from people that actually form their own insightful and informed opinions.

Of course, the motto there is thinking for oneself... I can't say I agree fully with Bill's support of drugs, but I agree that people should be free to choose their poison and that allowing beer and cigarettes - fine drugs much like any other, can ruin your health (and alcohol CAN RUIN LIVES just as well as any other drug they love to warn everyone about) - makes stories of drugs ruining someone's life hypocritical.

Hope you enjoy these comedians. It's worth noting that Tool led me to Bill Hicks via them tributing him in the Aenema album - in the attached art and in the song Third Eye.

sexuality 2

This is a bit of an addendum to the sexuality opinion I wrote recently. It was meant to be a post scriptum for the blog post below, but it grew long enough to warrant its own entry.

I remembered a certain teacher from my high school (liceum) who I won't have classes with anymore (a shame, really - hot and interesting to talk with).

She's a particular type of woman. Highly sexual, doesn't avoid the topic or indeed enjoys it maybe a little too much, irritating the less sexual students in my class.

She's not dumb - she has troubles with talking correctly, but otherwise likes to at least think she's intelligent. I haven't been able to judge fully objectively how true is she...

But I definitely noticed one thing.

She enjoys the topic of human sexuality. She enjoys talking with students about it, steadfastly and frequently reminding them that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being aware of your sexuality in any way, from masturbation to any consensual sex.

There was basically no way of avoiding this disclaimer in EVERY sex-related conversation she ever took part in.

See what this is?

This is the result of these feelings, this part of our life being so strongly repressed.

This is something not everyone accepts yet. Some people still look down on masturbation, as if it was something beneath their distinguished selves. (Once again... Pushed through a vagina at birth. Your parents had sex in order for that to happen.) Some people still think such topics are distasteful and should be left alone in the quiet corner.

If we were not repressed at all, if our culture was free from these shackles, this wouldn't even come up!

Mrs Teacher wouldn't feel so obliged to shove this disclaimer into every discussion.
We wouldn't point this out to ourselves so much.

I wouldn't even have to write either of these posts.

We would have been over and done with all this and sex would be a perfectly normal part of our lives, an intense and enjoyable experience between two persons with the chemistry and/or spirit of love bringing them together... or a simple act of mutual pleasure. We wouldn't have sciencists going "Whoa, this masturbation thing is actually incredibly healthy!".

There would be no disclaimer anywhere.

from sinking

All my friends have left Warsaw.

There is not a single soul left here to meet up with. My neighbour guitar nerd left for UK and is trying to find a job and education there. The Blacks have left for more interesting vacation pasttimes than pixels behind a glass.

And it would stay like this for a week.

15.08 is when the first bunch would come back to Warsaw. If my friend will not find a job, he'll come back on 17.08 (I wish him success, though it'd be a shame if he never returned from England). Until then... I'm mostly alone.

Or so I thought...

Until yesterday, I got suddenly contacted by an ID number on Gadu-Gadu (polish IM) that I didn't have on my list.

It turned out to be recently met good female friend of mine, Marysia, whose number I somehow lost in GG profile existence failures.

And tomorrow, we're checking out Harry Potter at the cinema. I've heard various opinions and from the looks of it this may be a poor use of money, but we'll see. The movie is not the only important thing here - I appreciate any good company.

So, yeah... in a twist of events, I was spared from absolute boredom. It wouldn't have been that bad anyway, I guess. My family can be quite enough company, but of course it's not the same thing.

threshold of transformation

And at long last, I have obtained a new instrument.

The piano is already sold. The money from it went towards this wondrous piece of modern musical technology. 750 PLN, which as of writing amounts to 182 Euro or 156 GBP. A J&D production, obviously a Les Paul lookalike with two humbuckers. Yeah, it's not THAT amazing, but I enjoy its sound, it feels good to play on and it's at a decent price for starters.

Of course, the guitar itself is a start... but at the time of buying, we didn't bring enough money to buy the rest - I'm going to get all that stuff tomorrow. I have to buy strings (the ones already attached are slightly rusty), an amplifier (I have a particular one in mind), a cable and a guitar stand. I'll probably also get a string-cleaning kit.

In any case, I feel proud to have this guitar and feel it's also an obligation I made to myself and my wonderful parents who supported me with the decision and sold the piano they had bought so long ago to fund the guitar set. Now that I have a guitar, I'm going to enjoy it as well as learn as much as I can. If it ever ends up gathering dust in a corner, I might as well garrote myself with its strings - but I'm fairly sure I'll enjoy this too much to put it aside.